Advice To My Twenty-One-Year-Old Self

At age twenty-one, the other official age of adulthood, I still did not feel like an adult.

The Illusion of Adulthood

I was legally considered an adult at age eighteen. However, I still struggled with navigating adulthood at Twenty-one and overcoming the challenges that came with it.

Three years had passed since I officially became an adult, and the weight of adulthood still felt heavy on my shoulders at twenty-one.

At twenty-one, I followed the general advice given to young people and still felt lost and confused. I saved a portion of my salary, did my weekly and daily planning, and made up my bed every morning. Years later, I wish to return to my twenty-one-year-old self and advise her of these things that improved my life.

Overcoming Fear

Don’t allow fear and anxiety to cripple you.

The Fear Factor: Paralysed by Anxiety

Fear was a huge part of my life at twenty-one, but I never understood how it worked.

I resented the strong negative feeling I recognised as fear and did my best to avoid all situations that would trigger the dreaded emotion. Sometimes, I would avoid something as simple as speaking up when I did not understand a concept because I did not want to seem slower than others in the group. I would not voice my opinion at work because I did not want to seem like a know-it-all. Sometimes, I met some amazing women I wanted to speak to, but I would avoid doing so because I feared their rejection.

Confronting Your Fears

I eventually stumbled upon this video that determined me to face my fears. It was not an easy journey, but I am glad I started it. Now, years later, after finally facing many of my insecurities that triggered fear, I realise that by allowing fear to cripple me, I missed out on some amazing experiences.

Questioning the Worst-Case Scenario

When fear rears its head, ask yourself these questions instead of letting it paralyse you. What’s the worst that could happen? And if that happens, then what? This process of rationalisation can make your fears seem less overwhelming. As you confront your fears, you’ll find that the worst-case scenario usually never materialises. And even when it does, it’s rarely as bad as you imagined. This realisation can be incredibly empowering.

The Power of a Support System

One of the most effective tools in my journey to conquer fear has been a healthy support system. When facing daunting challenges, having people you can turn to for guidance and encouragement can make the scariest moments more manageable. Your cheerleaders will inspire you. Even when your efforts are imperfect, they will applaud your bravery for trying.

Building Meaningful Connections

Put some effort into being friendly.

The Lonely Introvert

Being an introvert can be complicated at times. While I craved social connections and great friendships, the effort to make it happen was daunting and discouraging. I tried to convince myself that friendship was overrated and that I was fine without that genuine connection. But the truth was that I was afraid of rejection and had no idea how to break the ice with new people. I also felt people would think of me as weird if I tried.

Breaking the Ice and Making Friends

Years later, when I started living alone, loneliness engulfed me, and I started feeling chronically sad and aimless, although I was very productive. My now husband encouraged me to open up and make more friends. At first, it was difficult and uncomfortable, but eventually, I started connecting with some amazing women.

The Value of Genuine Relationships

As things started changing, I became more intentional about making friends. My search for genuine connections did not always end well, but the good ones I have managed to hold on to have been worth every bit of discomfort. Even the healthy friendships I have fostered had their growing pains. However, those relationships have helped me grow and still do. These women hold me accountable while supporting me along my journey through life.

Nothing good comes easy. If you want that life-giving friendship, you must put yourself out there. Not all your attempts will reap good rewards. But I can guarantee that you will grow from each experience as you navigate adulthood as a twenty-one-year-old trying to overcome challenges.

Mistakes, Forgiveness, and Growth

You will make many mistakes, but your people will love you despite it.

This ties in beautifully with the previous point. We all make mistakes. Sometimes, when we make mistakes, some connections are broken, and others are downgraded forever. But there are those friends who see past your faults and see your heart. They see you working on your negative behaviours and choose to extend grace to you.

Good friends know that change takes time and gives you the space to grow. They hold you accountable for your behaviour and interact with you from a place of love, which motivates and encourages growth. Be genuine and admit when you’re wrong. Ask your friends for forgiveness and take steps to correct your behaviour. Pray about your struggles and ask God to guide and help you work through those points in your life.

We all have unsafe behaviours that we need to work on. The book Safe People by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend is a good book that helps you determine who your safe friends are and whether you are a safe friend.

Embracing Your Uniqueness

Celebrating Your Individuality and Rejecting the Norm: Your Unique Path to Adulting

You are not weird, or maybe you are. Who determines what is normal, anyway? But I do know one thing: You are unique and one of a kind.

If only I had understood the gift of being unique sooner. Instead of trying to become invisible whenever my differences showed up, I would have seen them as a blessing, and I would have realised that these things I saw as “strange” were my opportunity to share what others did not have. Those attributes that I was uncomfortable with are my unique selling point. My special blend of traits is what I bring to my relationship that no one else can—my true self.

When I look at my friends’ unique qualities, my reaction is never, ‘How strange!’ Instead, I feel a sense of wonder and delight. These diverse, talented, and unique individuals are part of my life. I cherish them, and they love me! I feel fortunate and honoured to have such a wide variety of personalities and talents in my circle. Each person brings something unique into my life, and this is one of my greatest joys.

The Beauty of Difference

Would it not be dull if we were all carbon copies of each other? Realising how much I value others for their uniqueness helped me turn that assessing eye on myself. I am different and unique. That is effortless beauty.

The Power of Self-Improvement

There is no shame in “self-help” books.

The Stigma of Self-Help

I was intrigued when I discovered books in my early twenties. Books like “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” by Stephen R. Covey and “How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie were two of the many books I found myself interested in. I mentioned those books to an older acquaintance, and he surprisingly disapproved. He stated that he did not subscribe to self-help books and implied that intelligent persons generally would not. Twenty-one-year-old me felt embarrassed and distanced myself from books like these for a while.

Learning from Others’ Experiences: A Personalised Approach

Some years later, I read a blog article outlining books recommended by people of influence that I admired, and those books were on their lists! I regained my interest in this genre of books and privately read many of them. This included books on finance, personal growth, relationships, DIY, tutorials and more. To be fair, my acquaintance had a point. I found some books questionable. I found some information helpful in other books, but I had to discard other parts. From the first few paragraphs of some books, I could tell that introverts were not the target audience, and the advice there would not work for me. But from every book, I at least learned two things: One, what worked for me and two, what did not work for me. Much of my growth is attributed to the many books I have read.

Read critically, and never take everything you read as gospel. Do not be ashamed of reading any of these books. See those books as receiving advice from someone more intelligent. At twenty-one years old, this perspective will help you overcome many challenges as you navigate adulthood.

A Final Word on Navigating Adulthood and Overcoming Challenges at Twenty-one

What advice would you give to your twenty-one-year-old self who is trying to overcome the challenges of navigating adulthood? Please share with us in the comments below!

If you liked this post, check out my previous post, where I share the advice I would give my eighteen-year-old self.